Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Our Day in Disdain (Update: Rewritten)

[Grimdark] [Sad]

Author: Rainb0w Dashie

Description: Chemicals, psychosis, and multiple personalities crowd the brain of the exiled clone, who chases a life of drug abuse and homicide in a misguided attempt to dull the building anger which she carries daily.

Our Day in Disdain

Additional Tags: Drug Abuse, Duality, Mental Disorders, Banishment, Non-linear


  1. Alright, grammatically there's a few issues. Some words are capitalized in the middle of a sentence, some aren't capitalized when they should be; and there are quite a few misspelled words.

    The characters and how they act seem.. off. Their actions and words don't seem to ling up with their typical characterizations. Not that it's a bad thing to not be typical. However, certain ponies just seem to accept Dashie for no particular reason, whereas other seem to hate her for the same. Luna as the nurse was odd, but her going against an Equestrian order to arrest Dashie was just weird. If there's a reason Luna would do it that you don't want readers to know, then go for it, but otherwise it's just out of place.

    I won't make too many comments on the plot, because I'll be honest, I'm lost as to what all is going on. I get the basic gist of it, but I think some details are lost to me. However, in Chapter 4 Rainbow Dash shows up saying she couldn't have come earlier because Rairty had to stitch a new dress. Yet, in Chapter 5, Dashie says Rarity has hundreds of those dresses lying around. Also in Chapter 5, Twilight's not allowed to move from the bed in case her paralysis returns, yet later in the chapter she's up and has no difficulty. It's as if she had arrived at the party per normal and hadn't just woken up from the bed. Aside from those two, I didn't see any other contradictory points.

    I think it'd be a good idea to go back and re-read the stories after writing them to check and see everything works, structurally and plot wise.

    The concept for the story is interesting, though. The mystery was making it appealing for me, so you have that going well for you.

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  3. @Lennora When i submitted this story, I said that I needed to fix up the chapters because there are some major plot-holes.

    I would like to thank you not only for taking the time to read my story, but criticize it as well, I wasn't sure if there were any more plot-holes but you've hit all the ones I was worrying about.

    I would go back now and fix them, but I have too much momentum to stop and revise; I just started writing chapter 7 and it's the first time writing in a few months. But when I do end up revising, my chapters should appear at the top of your document list in google docs.

    Thanks again.

    Rainb0w Dahsie.