[Normal] [Shipping] [Human in Equestria]
Author: OuttaSpec
Description: An out of place human tries to make the best of his existence in Equestria the only way he knows how, by drinking. One night he comes upon a distressed mailmare in need of assistance so he helps her out. In the following minutes he realizes that the short time he spent with her is the most heartfelt and fun he's ever had. The unlikely pair seem to have hit it off but is the town of Ponyville ready for the story of Derpy and the Beast?
Prologue
Chapter 1
Additional Tags: Cute, Romantic, Sweet, Intimate, Funny
Wow, you guys are fast! I'll be editing it tonight with all your suggestions. You're doing Celestia's work!
ReplyDeleteI would HIGHLY RECOMMEND that you give these readers editing access to your google docs. It's very easy to put their comments into prospective and not misinterpret their recommendations. A real time saver!
ReplyDeleteThank you OuttaSpec! I'm glad this site can provide some assistance to you and your work. And I agree with you; giving Master Shake and I editing access to your works of fanfic (if it's on Google Docs) does provide an easier way to get feedback directly. This story is actually the first to get feedback like that, and so far, so good, it seems.
ReplyDeleteAnd by the way, check out the new banner! It was designed by Master Shake, and I for one am in awe. His banner creating skills are far superior to mine. It really captures the essence of the site, I think.
The banner is fantastic! I just love the look of Twilight as she waits for approval from the princess. That is muy bueno!
ReplyDeleteWow, I didn't know I was the first to open editing access. I'm a trailblazer! Well not really, but I hope others follow. It works great! Soon as you click on a highlight the little message comes over and lets you know what needs to be done in that selection. Couldn't be easier!
Page 2: "Dammit. Really?"
ReplyDeleteWhile I can see swearing is going to be a major addition to your piece I feel it especially excessive here. It feels more like teenage angst than the frustration and anger the character should feel. It also cuts down on repetition and adds emphasis to later expletives.
Suggested revision:
"Wow, really?"
Feel free to add me to the doc too. This is the same format T_N_F and I used for "I'd Like to be a Tree" so I'm familiar with the note process.
reahidru at gmail.com
The prologue seems to be in the *middle* of the story to me instead of the beginning. If this is not a sequel to another story, there are a lot of questions that come to mind before the shipping etc.:
ReplyDelete1. Was the human's speech comprehensible (or even recognized initially as language)? Monkeys were native to Equestria, but were considered "animals," cf. "The Best Night Ever." If it took some false starts to be understood, this would allow for an introduction of the human to the Mane 6. Particularly since Fluttershy would have to interpret until either Twilight Sparkle could make him comprehensible to others or until he learned to speak Equestrian.
2. Where does he live? Everything in Ponyville is pony-sized, and he'd be almost as tall as Sugarcube Corner. Did they have to accommodate him? Does he live in a barn on Sweet Apple Acres? (And how does he even get *inside* Carousel Boutique?)
Did you think I forgot about this? Nah! Had some issues that needed to be straightened out with my roommate and it wasn't putting me into a proper writing mood. Now I'm back in action!
ReplyDeleteReahidru, you've been added as a collaborator. The cursing does seem a bit much as we don't know the character well enough yet. As the story goes on we learn more and more about his life from a different universe and it becomes clear that his interaction with others was very limited. We already learned that he was cloned (no family or friends) and had never even experienced so much as a hug before. In effect he IS an angsty teenager because he is/will be experiencing new and confusing things. He will never use words stronger than damn or shit and as the story progresses he will use them less and less and will even replace them with pony-esque words. In fact he will be finding out that certain words shouldn't be used in polite company next chapter. However chapter 1 is a little thick with them so I'll spruce it up a little.
OrangePeel, my writing style has always been to either start the prologue with about half the story progressed or even at the end. It's a creative choice on my part that I enjoy working with. Also note that the prologue is in the 3rd person while chapter one is 1st person. Some chapters will end with a scene break and we may pick up where the prologue ended or the previous scene break. These may serve to interpret the preceding chapter, set up the next one, or both. Philip and Rarity are pretty good friends. Neither is really sure why as they will find out later it's more then the symbiotic relationship of "I need clothes" "I need advertisement" one that is hinted at already. I'm making this sound clumsy right now but it'll seem clearer in practice.
1. This is honestly just a fun fic I'm writing to cut my teeth on before I continue on my epic adventure fic. I haven't written creatively in 6 years so I'm quite rusty. I will be tackling these ideas as well as inter dimensional mechanics in that fic. as for this one, just take it on faith and suspend a little disbelief.I'm one of those writers who won't info-dump a ton of ideas or facts at once. Instead I give them out some at a time and later on they start falling into place and the reader (hopefully) gets one of those "Ah-ha!" moments.
2. At the end of chapter one he mentions that he's going back to Sweet Apple Acres to sleep so that's where he's been staying (and yeah, it's in the barn). We get more meat on how he is getting along and what he's been doing as the story progresses. Also from all the research I've seen on pony heights would put their heads around a 6' tall human's chest. So while the is a considerable difference in height, it isn't that big of a deal. But I did hint at it in the prologue when I mentioned he had to duck his head when entering the boutique. If you use house cats as the inter-universal constant then that size is about right.
Thanks for taking the time to not on read this fic, but comment on it as well. I really appreciate it!