Author: DarcySupremest
Description: Most Ponies are happy that the Moon Princess has returned, but many think she can not be trusted, an evil organisation named "Chaos Legion" wants Luna Banished and are willing to take lives to get it done. A Team of Elite Soldiers are formed to Protect Equestria from the Chaos Legion. They are Luna's Rainbow Six.
Additional Tags: Crossover, War, Special, Forces, Luna
Hey Darcy. First off, let me just make a primary suggestion. I'd recommend going through and correcting all grammatical, spelling, and format mistakes. No offense, but there are quite a lot of them. Equestria Daily isn't too kind with mistakes of that nature. I'll send you an email with a grammatically correct version of the prologue for reference.
ReplyDeleteAlso, in the prologue, I know it's an exposition, but the overall flow of the descriptions seems to be rather choppy and repetitive.
I have a suggestion: rather than just list the members of the team and their attributes out in paragraph form, it might make sense to organize them into different media, such as in a table, or a briefing.
You would need to do a bit of formatting (it might require HTML, I'm not sure how good Google Docs is for that). That way the terse and repetitive descriptions would fit very well.
Also, it's up to you, but you may want to explain some of the terms you use, at least the first time. For example, I'd guess that many people wouldn't automatically assume CQC is Close Quarters Combat, but then again, the target audience of this piece probably would know that.
I'll read the First Mission and give you some more feedback. But seriously, your primary goal should be to fix up the technical mistakes.
Yeah Read through it again this morning and noticed a hell of a lot of grammatically errors, I'm going to filter this again, Your suggestion with the HTML kinda interests me, I might give that a go, I did actually think about the terms flying over some peoples heads, so i will work that out.
ReplyDeletethanks for the help