I actually really enjoyed this story. I'm not usually one for sad fics, but I think this was pretty well written. I'm looking forward to Part 2.Also, you had almost impeccable spelling and grammar. There is one part when you say "only seen several times before" when referring to Fluttershy's look of determination. My guess is you meant something along the lines of "only seen a few times before," but I might be missing something.One part that seemed a bit confusing was the fact that Fluttershy in the normal story narration finished the story before the story was actually presented. It's your call, but if I were you, I would cut out the part that says "until the very end, when Fluttershy concluded and broke into tears."It's a convention of mine also to put a space in between paragraphs. Once again, it's creative license, but putting spaces makes it much easier on the eyes.Also, TIL that a group of porcupines is called a prickle. Hmm... the more you know.Great work!
Quite good. Quite.My only complaint is that the ending is WAAAAY too abrupt. One moment, you're in the middle of a really awesome romance scene, then- BAM. You're back in the present, and Fluttershy has broken the precious rose. I don't know if it's really a major issue, but it rubbed me the wrong way...And before I forget, your story had wonderful grammar and wording, especially the description of the rose. Beautiful.
thanks guys! (this is anonymous, but you'll just have to trust me that I wrote this :P )In reply to Enigma: thanks for the grammar suggestion with the "only seen several times before," but....I don't really get it, haha :P I have an ok knack for understanding how language should be and the most basic grammar rules, but I can't find anything wrong with choosing "several" instead of "a few times." They mean the same thing, correct? It's probably some rule or something I'm unaware of.Also, I understand how you might not like how the story technically concludes before it even begins. That was a conscious decision, and a tough one. I ended up leaving it in because I felt that it really set the tone for what's going on as Fluttershy tells this tale.As for the spacing between paragraphs...I'll think on it. I agree that it does look very neat, but I have some parts here where I have several paragraphs in a row that are each only three or four words long (dialog paragraphs) that might look a little funky if they were all spaced out. But that's probably just my imagination.To Brony Tom:That was also my intention :P and it seems it had the effect I wanted. I wanted to slap readers in the face with it. I think it works, personally. You're reading this emotional account about the great importance of this delicate object. Suddenly....BAM it's broken. I think it works.Also not, this is Part 1 of....however long it takes, haha. So it's not like this is really the conclusion to anything.
Well, in my mind, the word several is close in meaning to the word many, although maybe a bit less severe. Therefore, it doesn't really mean the same thing as "a few." By using the word several, you imply that Fluttershy has that look a lot, and that's not what I think you're trying to say.As for the story format, if you want to keep it the way it is, that's fine. Although it's a bit confusing and unorthodox to readers at first, you are right in what you say about the impact it has on the tone of the story.
My pet peeve: people argue over the plural, but "pegasus" is singular. "Pegasi" is plural only.
Hey guys, me again (Space Brony, the writer).Part 2 is now underway, and I'd like to thank you guys a gain. Because I looked over your comments again, and after time they made more sense.Enigma, you're probably right about "several." I'll look into revising that.As for the whole "Fluttershy crying before the story is over" thing, I'll agree that it's strange. So I tried changing it. But the thing is...no matter what I do, I can't get the right tone by doing it the conventional way. I like the reader having this vision in his head, so that he knows that while this story is being told, this is what's happening to the teller and the listener.Of course, I'm STILL trying to find an alternative. I think I might end up going with a bit of a half-and-half, where it's hinted as to what happens to Fluttershy and Dash but not explicitly told.... I'm still giving it thought. And you're not the only one to bring up the issue, so I can see it might be a problem with some readers. That's why I'm still giving it thought. So thanks for pointing it out :PAnd Orange Peel: thanks. I'll do some Ctrl+F'ing to make sure all my Pegasi are plural and my pegasus is singular.
Congrats for the post on Equestria Daily, Space Brony! This is a good story, and I look forward to the next addition of it.