Some spelling/grammar issues: "pegasus" ("pegasi" means more than one), "Sweet Apple Acres," "supposed", "you're leading Fluttershy..." "eyesight" "such a thing -- and with Rarity [of all ponies]!" "common" "in her, wishing" "stealing" "wiped her tears" "course" "relax" "guy" --> "you" "my dear?" "special" "support" --> "supposed" "rapidity" --> "rapidly" "choice"
You are definitely missing a [Shipping] tag since you start the fic with Flutterjack. I'd encourage you to describe where this came from in a previous chapter. Some foreshadowing of the triangle would be valuable also.
Plot Descents into madness are always riveting so the concept behind this story gets my approval. However, the story needs to be greatly fleshed out. It needs to be lengthened to increase suspense and tension and also to better develop the relationships. The story will have greater emotional impact if we get a feel for the romances. Now, I don’t know if you intended to have this as a one-shot or not. If you didn’t then I would do as previously suggested and make a chapter that precedes this one. Have it concentrate on Fluttershy and Applejack getting to the point where they are in the start of the current chapter. Now how you go about telling is up to you. You can create subtle suspense and hint towards what is going to happen later or you can have it be a picture-perfect romance that takes an unexpected dark twist in the next chapter.
Now if you planned on making it a one-shot then I would include a large section in the beginning that either is flashbacks or perhaps even is a look into Fluttershy’s mind, showing us the love she has for Applejack. Anyway you look at it, the story would greatly benefit from expansion.
Characterization Rarity and Applejack were perfectly in character. Fluttershy could use some more fleshing out. Showing us the mental process that leads to her murderous side would both make her behavior more believable and would also make the transformation more disturbing.
Prose Your word choices were not bad at all, though the story could benefit from additional descriptors and details.
Grammar The entire story needs to be re-looked over for grammar and spelling errors. Orange Peel already did a superb job pointing out a lot of these.
Though the shipping is not something I’m into, disturbing transformations of characters grab my attention. I look forward to seeing this as a finished product.
Thank you for your input on my story. This is definitely not a one shot deal I'm going for and I am working on the next part now. I am also working on the shipping of Fluttershy and Applejack as the both if you said I should. I should have both story's up maybe at the same time. As for the prose I keep having problems trying to change it for some reason and it won't let me. I will try again but I will most likely run into the same problem. I will try and make this part longer so Fluttershy will seem more crazy. I think the Shipping part before this might explain her actions as well. At lest that's what I'm hoping it's not finished yet.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting on my fanfic and I will get to work I'm some changes right away as I did before. ^^
An idea that you might consider, to make Fluttershy's slide into insanity more plausible: have her reminded of some kind moment Applejack had with Angel Bunny when the pegasus sees her bright smile, and make it in her mind turn into a scene where Applejack murders the little bunny (italics is a standard way to look into her mind).
My final image in the scene was where Fluttershy's imaginary Applejack says, "Well, ain't no reason t' let 'im go t' waste, let's have a li'l cookout! An' don't you worry none," she says with eyes like a cockatrice, "ah'll bring th' charcoal."
Sounds good to me but I have no idea how to get her to jump to such a conclusion. I mean she still loves Applejack and wants to be with her but she just doesn't want Rarity to brake up what they have.
Yay maybe now I can get some help.
ReplyDeleteSome spelling/grammar issues: "pegasus" ("pegasi" means more than one), "Sweet Apple Acres," "supposed", "you're leading Fluttershy..." "eyesight" "such a thing -- and with Rarity [of all ponies]!" "common" "in her, wishing" "stealing" "wiped her tears" "course" "relax" "guy" --> "you" "my dear?" "special" "support" --> "supposed" "rapidity" --> "rapidly" "choice"
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely missing a [Shipping] tag since you start the fic with Flutterjack. I'd encourage you to describe where this came from in a previous chapter. Some foreshadowing of the triangle would be valuable also.
Thank you so much I'll make the changes right away. ^^
ReplyDeleteOh and as for the advice of making a previous chapter. I might just do that as well. ^^
ReplyDeletePlot
ReplyDeleteDescents into madness are always riveting so the concept behind this story gets my approval. However, the story needs to be greatly fleshed out. It needs to be lengthened to increase suspense and tension and also to better develop the relationships. The story will have greater emotional impact if we get a feel for the romances. Now, I don’t know if you intended to have this as a one-shot or not. If you didn’t then I would do as previously suggested and make a chapter that precedes this one. Have it concentrate on Fluttershy and Applejack getting to the point where they are in the start of the current chapter. Now how you go about telling is up to you. You can create subtle suspense and hint towards what is going to happen later or you can have it be a picture-perfect romance that takes an unexpected dark twist in the next chapter.
Now if you planned on making it a one-shot then I would include a large section in the beginning that either is flashbacks or perhaps even is a look into Fluttershy’s mind, showing us the love she has for Applejack. Anyway you look at it, the story would greatly benefit from expansion.
Characterization
Rarity and Applejack were perfectly in character. Fluttershy could use some more fleshing out. Showing us the mental process that leads to her murderous side would both make her behavior more believable and would also make the transformation more disturbing.
Prose
Your word choices were not bad at all, though the story could benefit from additional descriptors and details.
Grammar
The entire story needs to be re-looked over for grammar and spelling errors. Orange Peel already did a superb job pointing out a lot of these.
Though the shipping is not something I’m into, disturbing transformations of characters grab my attention. I look forward to seeing this as a finished product.
Thank you for your input on my story. This is definitely not a one shot deal I'm going for and I am working on the next part now. I am also working on the shipping of Fluttershy and Applejack as the both if you said I should. I should have both story's up maybe at the same time. As for the prose I keep having problems trying to change it for some reason and it won't let me. I will try again but I will most likely run into the same problem. I will try and make this part longer so Fluttershy will seem more crazy. I think the Shipping part before this might explain her actions as well. At lest that's what I'm hoping it's not finished yet.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for reading and commenting on my fanfic and I will get to work I'm some changes right away as I did before. ^^
An idea that you might consider, to make Fluttershy's slide into insanity more plausible: have her reminded of some kind moment Applejack had with Angel Bunny when the pegasus sees her bright smile, and make it in her mind turn into a scene where Applejack murders the little bunny (italics is a standard way to look into her mind).
ReplyDeleteMy final image in the scene was where Fluttershy's imaginary Applejack says, "Well, ain't no reason t' let 'im go t' waste, let's have a li'l cookout! An' don't you worry none," she says with eyes like a cockatrice, "ah'll bring th' charcoal."
Sounds good to me but I have no idea how to get her to jump to such a conclusion. I mean she still loves Applejack and wants to be with her but she just doesn't want Rarity to brake up what they have.
ReplyDelete