Friday, August 12, 2011

Ghost in the Window

[Normal] [Sad/Happy End]

Update: [Posted to Equestria Daily]

Author: Silent Rainboom

Description: Rarity gets a fateful letter in the mail from none other than Hoity Toity himself, offering her a job at the most famous boutique in all of Equestria making dresses for none other than Princess Celestia herself. She moves to Canterlot in pursuit of her dream come true. But could this once-in-a-lifetime chance be the biggest mistake Rarity has ever made?

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3

Additional Tags: Fashion, Canterlot, Betrayal, Broken Dreams


  1. I've read all the chapters so far and here's what I think.

    The thing that I like about this story, is that it keeps me interested. Not many stories are able to do that, especially in the first chapters. I'm not saying that the story sounds like it was written by M Night Shyamalan, but it has its twists.

    I really like Rarity's mental comments. To me they sound like, what could be best described as an old cliche: "What could possibly go wrong". I love how she reassures herself of everything and even sometimes completely ignores the truth that's right in front of her.

    However I would like a clarification on a one thing. What happened to Sweetiebelle? I don't believe I saw a mention of her either going with Rarity or staying behind in Ponyville.

    My only complaint is that a lot of the time dialogue is mixed in with the description in the paragraph. Sometimes I don't even realize that someone's talking until I go back and notice the quotes around the sentence. I suggest you separate the dialogue more, it's easier for the reader that way.

    But all in all, very good Fic so far. I wonder what happens next :D

  2. I've just finished the first chapter of the fic and I think it's pretty good so far. It has a nice premise that, even though I haven't read the next chapters yet, sort of sets up an idea in my head of what could happen next.

    I agree with Master Shake's comments about mentioning what happened to Sweetie Belle. It could be done in only a paragraph or so, and it would tie up some loose ends.

    Also, as Master Shake said, long paragraphs generally aren't a good thing. If you have a place where you can logically separate a paragraph into two, it generally helps guide the reader along the story better, especially separation between dialogue and non-dialogue.

  3. In addition, I would just like to compliment you on the environment you created within the city of Canterlot. You had the freedom to create the city based from what little bits we see in the show, and in my opinion, it feels canon.

  4. I originally had planned to have Sweetie Belle's whereabouts be explained after Rarity gets to Canterlot, just as a thought that she has. That was such a minor detail though that I just plain forgot, and now looking back on that it belongs in Chapter 1 anyway. Long story short, Sweetie Belle stays with her parents. I'll put it in the revision and try to break up the paragraphs a bit, as you both suggest.

    I'm glad you two enjoyed it, I was worried that the beginning might be too long-winded to draw in most readers. Especially the beginning of Chapter 2, but I needed the setup.

    I finished my first go at Chapter 4 yesterday, I'll probably get to editing it and submitting it tomorrow or Sunday, after I update the first three chapters. That one was a lot of fun to write and I'm curious to see the reaction to it! =]

  5. Congratulations on getting posted to Equestria Daily!

  6. Kudos to you, Silent Rainboom, for being the first story posted on Pony Draft to be posted on Equestria Daily! Hopefully the feedback you got helped you to revise a little bit before you submitted, and hopefully this is the first story of many that follows this path. Congrats!

  7. Thanks bronies! I did do quite a bit of revision before submitting, although it wasn't anything too significant. Just mostly breaking up some stuff and changing around a bit of dialogue.

    The comments certainly did help, and I'd love to hear more when the rest gets posted!

  8. I'd like to congratulate you too.

    Let's hope this becomes a common occurrence on this blog, where stories from here go straight to EqD.