[Mild Grimdark] [Sad]
Update: [Posted to Equestria Daily]
Author: Orange Peel
Description: After the events of "Dragonshy," Twilight Sparkle and Rarity return to the cave. A manuscript buried inside the cave described a brief, unverified ancient history of Equestria.
How Equestria Was Made
Additional Tags: History, Origins, Celestia, Luna, OCish
I hope at least there is something salvageable in this one! It is my first attempt at a fanfic.
ReplyDeleteSalvageable?! This was great! I was reminded heavily of the Book of Genesis, which I thought was cool, plus it explained everything that we often don't think about (dragons/griffons/no carnivores/etc). There were a few times where I saw misuses of words ('an' instead of 'am') and awkward phrasing ("and after more years for it to extinguish the warmth in her heart").
ReplyDeleteOverall, a very nice read, and I liked the touch of having Twilight be the one to find it and touch it up.
Thank you, Brony Tom! I will try to find the an/am errors ASAP. Of course I hope it was obvious that it was to be read in the epic/17th century style. I hoped bronies would be amused by the alligators too.
ReplyDeleteDid you also notice that "[Let the] joy depart, Oak-ki" is "Oak-ki'id Oak-ki'il Oak-ki"?
I went back and did some minor editing to address the problems Brony Tom mentioned, and hopefully it reads better. Thank you for the help, and please give me more feedback!
ReplyDeleteI must say that I really enjoyed the writing style and the story as a whole. It was something new, and in my opinion, quite interesting.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few parts where the indentation is off on certain lines by one space. You'll know it when you see it. The first example is "...smoke damage." Some reconstruction... Once again you have to see it in the text to see the problem. It's due to a thing on Google Docs, I believe, that automatically spaces to the next line when you are at the last space on any given line, unlike other writing software like Word. This leads people to hit the space bar unnecessarily, throwing off the alignment. I do it all the time.
Also you raise an interesting question when you said ponies of earth. I'm not sure whether they are called earth ponies in the show because they live on the ground and often have a connection to the land (earth), or if it is because they are the most similar to actual ponies on Earth. I'd like to know what you guys think.
Do Google Docs appear different in different browsers? In Firefox 4.0/Windows Vista "smoke damage" only occurs once, in the middle of a line. o.O
ReplyDeleteI'm almost certain that "earth ponies" refers to the former. Because (Luna forbid) if they wanted them to look like ponies from Planet Earth, they'd look like G3 or earlier.
This story was excellent!
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I did not understand about the story was the "Sigil of Destiny" part. That seemed to come out of nowhere and I thought I had missed something from the beginning of the story. I'm not sure if that was intended or not, but I could see that being from the smoke damage and whatnot.
I do like the writing style though. Very well done, and it stays consistent throughout the story.
This is intended to be related to Pinkie Pie's cutie mark story to the CMC. (So the origin of Equestria and the moon were her "rock farming.") After she finished, she said, "Sometime, I can tell about you how I got my cutie mark. It's a gem!"
ReplyDeleteNice work on getting posted to EqD. The artwork for the post is really good, might you know who made it? Congrats, Orange Peel.
ReplyDeleteThe artwork came from http://jackjacko-eponymous.deviantart.com/art/StellarDeities-239851248
ReplyDelete