I would suggest doing a find and replace to change "Pinky" to "Pinkie". It's jarring enough to see "Pinky Pie," but when I read "Pinky"... are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Alright, here's my advice. Right off the bat I notice that you sometimes tend to jump from tense to tense. From experience I know that it makes it a bit awkward for a reader to read a fic like that. Next you need to focus a bit more on what kind of a fic you're writting. Since this is shipping you should try to use more desription and sometimes slightly more sophisticated words. Mainly because you want the reader to think that they're reading a romance novel. However you are free to choose your own style. Next you have a problem that is common to many FF writers. Your dialogue is inside the paragraph. You should really seperate it more because it clashes with the description part of the paragraph. You should always remember to start on a new line when you're startting dialogue. And along with that, try to use more description after and before dialogue. Don't just write what the person said or asked. Write what he or she was doing before they and after they spoke. How did they sound and what facial expressions did they make. Stuff like that. And before i move on, make sure to keep the ponies in character. You made Flutterrshy sound great but Rainbow Dash was a bit dull at times. Try to go back and rethink some of the lines. Also, whenever you're writing about what the character is saying in his head, make sure that the text looks different from dialogue and description. For example you can put it in single quotation marks 'like this' or italyze(that's how you say ?) it. Now about the part where she recovers. I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure that you're not really conscious during the experience. As far as I know it all feels like a dream. But I may be wrong. Then the part where Twilight tells her about what RD had actually done, I feel like she comes on a bit strong. It's a very delicate matter so I think that she would be a little hesitant to tell it to her so bluntly. Other than that there are some spelling errors like 'your' instead of 'you're' and so on. Also slme capitalization is missing like name and start of sentences. Nothing that a re-read won't fix. Personally Shipping isn't really my cup of tea, but I did enjoy reading this. With some work this has a potential to be a really good story.
thank you for the info as it is much appreciated due to the fact that this is my first attempt at any kind of imaginative writing.
Anytime. Trust me. You only get better over time. When I started out writing my Gear of War fic back in the day, my initial chapters were barely over five thousand words. But in later chapters, after some pointers from friends, I was able to put out very engaging installments.One thing I forgot to mention is that, while writing you should always write out numbers instead just putting a numeric value, ex: Fifty and not 50. Except when you're talking about military time, ex: 0800 hours.
alright, sounds good and thanks for the number reminder, bad habit at its best