[Adventure] [Comedy]
Update: [Posted to Equestria Daily]
Author: Coconutswallow
Description: Evil is plotting, Equestria is in peril, kidnappings abound, and unlikely ponies band together as intrigue is starting to spin its webs-- large, clingy webs that don't make themselves known until they are upon you.
In Spades
Additional Tags: Non-linear, long, intrigue, OCs, whimsical
Wow that was pretty good, really good actually. However your first sentence is really an eye-sore. It just looks awkard to me. However everything else was perfect as far as I can tell. All the characters feel like themselves and I really like this idea. Revolucion!
ReplyDeleteYou did leave me on a bit of a cliff hanger and now I'm forced to patiently wait for more because I have to find out what happened to Trixie and Pinkie and especially Twilight.
Continue.
Confound this suspense...
ReplyDeleteI like what you did here. Never revealing too much all at once, but at the same time you don't make it seem like there's something missing.
I can't say anything bad about this. It left me chuckling quite a few times.
Much thanks for the reviews! It's good to know my attempts at intrigue and jumping perspectives worked.
ReplyDeleteI've re-done the first sentence, thanks for the critique!
Now I'm off to submit this to EqD and get to work on the next chapter.
Hoover Dam! That was very well done!
ReplyDeleteOne little nit-pick, though; in the first paragraph, when you're describing the sunset, I don't think "peeking over the horizon" is the right word choice. It makes me think more of a sunrise than a sunset. But hey, that's just me.
Anyway, I loved the scenes with Trixie and Pinkie. Especially Trixie. New best pony?
Thanks for the point out, Brony Tom, I changed the wording of it so it doesn't invoke the wrong image.
ReplyDeleteHowever...
The story didn't make the cut with EqD, so I'm going to have to revamp it. The response was that my story was too disjointed and difficult to figure out. It was suggested that I change the order of reveals, here's a quote:
"The author needs to re-think the order of his reveals.. rather than tell us that Celestia's entourage was ambushed and captured at near the end, we need to know that... and perhaps even see it.. before hand."
Now I entirely understand that structuring but to me opening up with the ambush (or an explanation of it) rather ruins the amusement of the beginning. Now I suppose I could explain exactly who is being rescued and possibly give some vague details as to the cause of it all in the beginning scene with Trixie and Pinkie. Plus there are a few other ways I could arrange it that are going through my head.
So here's where I open it up to opinions! Any suggestions, thoughts, or rumblings of an idea would be greatly appreciated!
Sorry if this is kinda late, but in my opinion, I like it the way it is. If you're going to change the order, though, I might suggest slipping in a scene detailing the actual kidnapping after the very first scene with Trixie and Pinkie. Another idea would be to denote sections that happened in the past by putting "Earlier..." or something similar at the top.
ReplyDelete